


We forced a bot to watch 1000 hours of Bohemian Rhapsody

by SmittyJaws, sweetestsight



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: Multi, Oh god what have we done, Pure Crack, We're sorry, but not really, but not that sorry, gratuitous references to Rocketman, the film we deserved, tons of shameless product placement
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:35:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22220401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmittyJaws/pseuds/SmittyJaws, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetestsight/pseuds/sweetestsight
Summary: “Around the world it’s time for Live Aid!” BOB GELDOF says. He is aging before our eyes. Now he’s 50. Now he’s 60. In just seconds, he will be gone.Pan over WEMBLEY STADIUM. The crowd is huge. It is a huge crowd.We follow FREDDIE MERCURY backstage. He is walking past roadies. The roadies have no souls, but he is unaware of this. He gives an experimental hop, leaving the earth's surface. He has entered the lower stratosphere. He is speeding through the sky. He is like a tiger. He is defying the laws of gravity.It is no longer time for Live Aid.The title card flashes:ROCKETMAN
Relationships: Jim Hutton/Freddie Mercury, Mary Austin/Freddie Mercury
Comments: 63
Kudos: 53





	We forced a bot to watch 1000 hours of Bohemian Rhapsody

**Author's Note:**

> The long-awaited critically-acclaimed redo of the Bohemian Rhapsody screenplay, written nearly entirely in a Discord chat.
> 
> Please don’t pass this work on to anyone affiliated with Queen or Bohemian Rhapsody. We can assure you they don’t want to see it, and we don’t really want them to see it, either. This crack is for your eyes only. Enjoy!

“Around the world it’s time for Live Aid!” BOB GELDOF says. He is aging before our eyes. Now he’s 50. Now he’s 60. In just seconds, he will be gone. 

Pan over WEMBLEY STADIUM. The crowd is huge. It is a huge crowd. 

We follow FREDDIE MERCURY backstage. He is walking past roadies. The roadies have no souls, but he is unaware of this. He gives an experimental hop, leaving the earth's surface. He has entered the lower stratosphere. He is speeding through the sky. He is like a tiger. He is defying the laws of gravity. 

It is no longer time for Live Aid.

The title card flashes: **ROCKETMAN**

——

We see FREDDIE unloading suitcases from a plane at HEATHROW AIRPORT. He is flinging them onto a conveyor belt. They do not deserve this kind of abuse. 

“Faster, Paki!” a MEAN COWORKER yells. 

“I’m not from Pakistan!” Freddie yells back, because he is not from Pakistan. From this scene we learn he is from somewhere other than Pakistan. It remains to be seen where he is actually from. 

Freddie takes the bus home. When the bus arrives he throws the bus on a conveyor belt. The bus does not deserve this kind of abuse.

——

FREDDIE arrives at the PUB. Which pub it is is not specified. 

“One lager,” Freddie orders from the BARTENDER. 

The Bartender pours a lager carefully into the front of his shirt. 

Freddie pays him twenty-eight pounds. 

On stage we see SMILE performing a soulful number. BRIAN is seen playing guitar. He has a trash haircut, leaving his hair looking utterly trash. ROGER is behind him, playing drums soulfully. 

Freddie bobs his head to the beat. The beat is soulful. All at once it turns loud! Freddie bobs his head faster. His head leaves his shoulders. His head is gone. 

The Bartender pours another lager down his shirt. 

——

FREDDIE is backstage at the show. His head is reattached. This is not discussed or explained. 

Freddie sees MANDY AUSTIN talking to a FRIEND. He eyes her up. 

Mandy gives him an Evil Eye. “What the fuck you want, bitch.” 

“I want your coat,” Freddie says. 

The Friend tells him, “She got it at Biba!” 

Freddie nods. He stores this information for later and continues his quest to find SMILE.

——

“I’m ditching you,” TIM STAFFELL says. “I’m off to play for a band with a cool name.”

“ _Humpy Bong?_ ” BRIAN says incredulously. This is because he is a big fan of the Bong. He wants their autographs.

“Yes, Humpy Bong,” Tim confirms, nodding.

“Humpy Bong? Are you _joking?_ ” ROGER says, wanting to feel included.

“Humpy Bong,” Tim says, nodding more vigorously. He looks like a bobblehead.

“ _Humpy Bong_?” Brian really wants those autographs.

“Humpy Bong.” Tim has been replaced with an actual bobblehead now.

“Humpy Bong?” Roger asks one more time.

“Humpy Bong.” Tim walks away. No one cares that he is leaving.

Enter FREDDIE.

“I should sing for your band,” he announces, throwing a large pile of his song lyrics into the back of Smile’s VAN.

“Prove you can sing,” ROGER taunts. “Your teeth are mocking me as a failed dentist.”

Freddie opens his mouth, and begins punching Roger for the slight about his teeth. This is because he was a boxer, a fact that will not be made known to us until later. This is foreshadowing.

“I KNOW WHAT I’M DOOOOOOOING,” he bellows soulfully, throwing more song lyric sheets at Roger. Death by a thousand paper cuts.

Brian harmonizes soulfully with Freddie as he nods in approval. Roger had it coming for that comment.

“Do you play bass?” he asks Freddie when the singing is finished.

“Not on your life. We’ll need JOHN DEACON for that,” Freddie says as he walks away dispassionately.

“Who’s that?” Roger asks from where he is huddled behind his drums in the van.

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” Freddie says coyly. This is because he also does not know. No one knows. The movie never explains who John Deacon is.

——

QUEEN is playing their first concert together. They have acquired Local Cryptid JOHN DEACON on bass guitar. We know nothing about him.

Who is he? What is he? Where did he come from? When did he arrive? Why is he here? How did he become the bassist? All questions that no one truly knows the answer to, and the audience is supposed to accept this.

He is a Frowny Boi during this concert. We don’t know why. We will be saying this about John a lot throughout the course of this movie.

“Where’s Tim?” SOME ASSHOLE asks. “Who’s the Paki?”

How rude. Doesn’t he know that Tim is living BRIAN’s dream? And that FREDDIE isn’t from Pakistan, but some still-unknown country of origin? (But definitely _not_ Pakistan?)

ROGER ignores the ASSHOLE and starts the concert. “Ready, Freddie?”

Freddie is not ready, but Roger doesn’t have time for this. He starts the song with Brian.

Freddie proceeds to ruin a MICROPHONE STAND and start setting a precedent for DAMAGE to PUBLIC PROPERTY.

He also proceeds to MANGLE Brian’s LYRICS.

Brian is Not Impressed, a trend which will follow him throughout Freddie’s future decisions.

——

The van has broken down in the middle of a field. JOHN DEACON is changing the van's tire.

BRIAN MAY appears at his side. "I think it's—"

"I know what I'm doing," John snaps. "We should just get rid of this van."

"MMGHHG," ROGER says through a mouthful of ham. This is ignored by the others.

"I can sell the van," FREDDIE says. He sells clothes. He is great at selling things. He will someday sell out his band in order to buy himself a family with four million pounds. This is a spoiler.

In the present day, Freddie picks up the van and throws it onto a conveyor belt. 

"Done," Freddie says. "We will now make a ROCK ALBUM!"

"Mghghsh," Roger says through a mouthful of ham. This is ignored by the others.

——

FREDDIE arrives at Biba to conduct a honeypot mission in order to guarantee the acquisition of MINDY AUSTIN’s coat. 

“I would like a coat like yours,” he tells her. 

She smiles. “Those coats are all sold out. Let me sell you something else.” 

He nods. But secretly he is plotting. Biding his time.

“I would like these pants,” he says.

“These are ladies’ pants,” Marsha says.

“So?” Freddie says. He gives no shits about gender norms. “When I wear them, they will be fab and that’s all that matters.”

Shocked by his forthright attitude, Martha offers to do his makeup. Freddie accepts, but contracts pinkeye soon after. This is why you don’t share eye makeup, kids.

——

As part of his ongoing plot to woo MILDRED AUSTIN and acquire her possessions, FREDDIE invites her and the BAND over to his family’s home for a birthday celebration. MILDRED’S PARENTS spend the entire lunch glaring at FREDDIE, who spends the entire lunch glaring at ROGER, who is trying to woo his sister.

“I’m studying astrophysics,” BRIAN says. Nobody asked him. 

“That’s not a real job,” JER BULSARA says gently. “You should get a job like Roger. He’s a dentist. Or perhaps like my son Freddie, who is paid to abuse people’s baggage.” 

“I didn’t know Freddie was a therapist,” Brian says, awed. 

“Freddie Bulsara is a disappointment first, therapist second,” BOMI BULSARA says. “Boxer third.” This moment was foreshadowed earlier in the film, if you will remember.

“It’s Freddie Mercury now, papa,” Freddie says. His eyes are glowing and he is hovering two and eight tenths of a centimeter off the floor. 

“Freddie _Mercury_?” KASH BULSARA asks. She is also beating ROGER away with a stick as she tries to do homework.

“Yes, I’ve decided to change it,” FREDDIE replies. “After all, people don’t pay to see ~~REGINALD DWIGHT~~ FARROKH BULSARA.”

“Why not?” BRIAN asks, as he and JOHN look up from where they are drawing moustaches and glasses on all of the baby photos. “I’d pay to see that.”

“I’d also like to take this time to point out that I’m not a dentist,” Roger wheezes. Nobody asked him to tell us this. We see him huddled on the floor in the fetal position, protecting himself from Bomi Bulsara’s Death Glare™.

“I want to remind everyone that I studied Astrophysics,” Brian adds. This is because he feels the need to one up Roger and also point out his academic superiority to Jer Bulsara.

Jer’s eyes are rolling so hard they fall out of her skull and into the neighbour’s garden.

——

THE BAND is meeting with MANAGEMENT at a riverside cafe. 

FREDDIE arrives. He looks like a lizard. 

“Fred, you look like a lizard,” Roger laughs. 

Freddie clears his throat. “With just fifteen minutes, you could save fifteen percent or more on car insurance,” he recites. He is not a lizard. He is a gecko. 

**GEICO. SAVE FIFTEEN PERCENT OR MORE ON CAR INSURANCE.**

**⁽ᴿᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗᵐᵃⁿ ᶦˢ ⁿᵒᵗ ˢᵖᵒⁿˢᵒʳᵉᵈ ᵇʸ ᴳᵉᶦᶜᵒ⁾**

JOHN REID appears. He sits down. “What makes Queen different than every other student band?” he asks. 

The band wracks their one collective brain cell. They have to share it. Today it is Brian’s turn. 

The band continues to wrack their brain cell. 

The band continues to wrack their brain cell. 

The band continues to wrack their br

“This is POHL,” John Reid says, interrupting the band’s brain-wracking. “He’ll be looking after you.”

This is Irony, because PILE “HP Envy 5055” PRINTER does literally anything but look out for their best interests in the future. Spoilers!

——

It is time to perform on TOP OF THE POPS. ROGER will not stop complaining. “This is bullshit,” he says complainingly.

All of his cymbals are rubber. The drum kit has been replaced with a child’s toy set.

“Think of it this way; at least you can’t fuck up the performance now any worse than our usual shows,” JOHN says wisely. BRIAN agrees, nodding.

“ _THIS_ is the BBC,” he declares, displaying his knowledge about their surroundings and the UK’s primary broadcasting service.

Meanwhile, FREDDIE has locked himself in a toilet stall. “I’m not coming out until they guarantee more camera shots of my crotch,” he shouts. “It’s what the public deserves.”

“You have a contractual obligation to play this show, flattering camera angles or no,” POLLY “Lexmark MC3326” PRINTER says. “Come out of the toilet.”

“I shan’t.” Freddie proceeds to pout until JOHN REID storms in.

“Get the fuck out of the toilet and play or I’ll tell them to only show shots of John’s crotch instead.” he points a finger menacingly, though Freddie is not able to see it as he is still in the stall.

Freddie emerges from the stall. “Well, let’s get on with it then.”

——

MARY AUSTIN appears. She is followed by a cat. Her cat is followed by a cat. Her cat is followed by a cat. Her ca

——

At MARY’s. FREDDIE kneels and pulls out a ring. “Mary will you marry will you Mary will you marry will you merry will you marie will you—“ 

MARY nods. She is agog. She is also deaf. 

ROGER enters. “For MEEEEEEEEE!” He screams. 

This is why Mary is deaf.

JOHN is also present.

“Roger this is a bad time,” Freddie says. “Mary and I are getting married and I are getting merry danny are getting mar reed deny are getting—“ 

Roger screams again. Roger is a ROOSTER. Alice In Chains will later be inspired by this moment.

BRIAN arrives. “We have news.” 

“So do I! We’re getting Maryed—getting Maried—getting—” 

“John Reid has called. He wants us to tour America!” 

FAT BOTTOMED GIRLS begins blaring in the distance. The Band cheers. Freddie grabs Mandy’s Biba coat off the coat hook, running out of the room. He arrives at HEATHROW AIRPORT and throws himself onto a conveyor belt.

——

**Title card: ATLANTA**

“We love you, Atlanta!” BRIAN yells, throwing his clogs into the crowd. They knock two women unconscious.

**Title card: CLEVELAND**

“We love you, Cleaverland!” ROGER wields a souvenir cleaver of his own. We see him chop up his sticks julienne-style and eat them in a show of dominance.

**Camera cut:** FREDDIE is outside of a gas station on the phone with MARY. 

"I miss you Freddie!" Mary says, longingly and filled with longing.

Freddie is staring at a trucker. "Mhmm," he says.

"So do the cats!" 

"Mhmm."

"When are you coming home?"

"Mhmm," Freddie says. He hangs up.

He follows the trucker into a BATHROOM, where a clown (NORMAN SHEFFIELD) is climbing out of the sink drain to consume the bodies of small children. The trucker is fighting him off with a HATCHET.

Freddie joins the fray with a 45, ruthlessly beating the CLOWN back into the sink drain. This is never discussed again.

**Title card: NEW ORLEANS**

“We love you, New Orleans!” JOHN jumps into the crowd and tries to crowd surf. He is immediately dropped into the mosh pit where he does the Worm.

**Title card: DENVER**

“We’re just friends, Denver!” FREDDIE smacks Brian’s bottom. “Don’t believe the rumours.” He smacks Brian’s bottom again. And again. The audience cheers. We wonder if this should be censored.

——

**Shot: Exterior, Rockfield Farm.** The sun is rising. The birds are singing. The grass is green. The house is grey. The guitar is red. ROGER TAYLOR is screaming.

“Galileo!” Roger screeches. He breaks the sound barrier. In the distance, air raid sirens can be heard.

FREDDIE MERCURY is sprawled across the sound board, irritating the ENGINEER and JOHN DEACON. “Higher,” he says dismissively.

“I feel like my nuts are in my chest!” Roger exclaims.

“Higher.” Freddie is uncaring of Roger’s impending medical crisis. He sprawls onto John’s lap now.

“If I go any higher only dogs will hear me!” Roger puts his hands on his hips like a sassy bitch.

Cut to a shot of several dogs three miles away. They scream “Galileo” back in response, creating the echo effect that is heard on the final version of the track. _The More You Know!_

“Who even is Galileo anyway?” Roger is confused, but no one listens to him. No one ever listens to the drummer. **[Cue: laugh track]**

——

**Interior: Rockfield kitchen.** “Your song isn’t strong enough,” BRIAN says. “It can’t even bench 100.”

“Like your song is any better,” ROGER complains, eating Brian’s lyric sheets. “Try recording your dumb song now, bitch. At least mine will be a meme in 45 years.” No one understands him, because his mouth is full.

“Queen will probably break up,” JOHN says. He is incorrect. Queen will NEVER break up.

“‘Love’ is a very strong word to use,” Brian says cautiously. “Are you sure you aren’t just infatuated with your car?”

“IT’S NOT A PHASE, BRI! WE’RE IN LOVE!” Roger cries, sweeping the counter and RUINING everyone’s breakfast.

FREDDIE walks in, sees the shitshow, and promptly leaves.

——

FREDDIE is trying to write SONG LYRICS. POOL “Fujifilm Instax Mini” PRINTER is trying to get LAID.

“Kiss me,” he says to Freddie.

“Why would I do that?” Freddie says obliviously.

“Because you’re gay,” Printer explains.

“I am not,” Freddie denies. This is because he is in denial.

“I know you, Freddie,” Printer insists.

“No, you don’t. We’re strangers. We’ve never met in my life. STRANGER DANGER!” Freddie runs off screaming.

——

“He needs a new name,” FREDDIE says. “He is Miami. I am Miami. You are Miami. He is me and we are all together.”

“Now that we all have appropriate names can we get on with the meeting about the album?” EVIL MANAGER says. 

Freddie throws a 45 at EVIL MANAGER, killing him instantly. 

He plays the new album, which sounds suspiciously like Bizet.

“This album is weird,” EVIL MANAGER complains, somehow reviving. “Why can’t you literally just re-release the last album with a new cover? No one will know the difference.”

“No,” BRIAN says. “That would be cheating. Besides, we can’t just stick to a formula or we’ll be as boring as the Ramones.”

“I like formulas,” EVIL MANAGER says. “This one is my favourite: _ax²+bx+c=0_.”

FREDDIE throws another 45, killing him for the second time. No one asked for his opinion.

“So Roger,” JOHN says. “How do you fuck a car?”

“I like that song,” EVIL MANAGER agrees, somehow coming back to life again to continue to foist his OPINION on everyone. “It’s far superior to Armenian Raspberry.”

“Take that!” ROGER screams. “I told you it was strong enough.”

“It’s not going to be the single and that’s that,” Freddie says, shoving Roger into a cupboard.

**Jump cut:** KENNY EVERETT disagrees. “Ooh, _cars!_ ” He says gaily, in a gay way. This is to imply to the audience that he is gay without having to say it outright. This is because the screenwriters are lazy. It’s two syllables; come on.

“That’s _not_ the single!” Freddie chugs Kenny’s champagne. “Lord, give me strength.”

Kenny turns over the record. We see the words Parcheesian Bath Cherry on the label as the song begins to play. _“Oh oh, people of the earth,”_ Brian’s voice starts singing.

The critics pan the song in a heart-rending montage, because they paid for a completely different single. It was poorly mislabeled.

——

“Why don’t you film Roger’s legs?” FREDDIE asks solemnly. JOHN does not answer. We know why he won’t film his legs.

“Leave my legs alone!” ROGER hollers, hiding behind a chair. He also knows what will happen if his legs are filmed. He wants to spare the audience.

**Jump cut:** Meanwhile, a rogue cameraman is creeping on BRIAN while he has no pants on. Everyone has a thing for seeing people’s’ legs, apparently.

“Get out of my trousers,” Brian shouts. “Or pay me. I don’t offer this for free.”

He smacks his own bottom then to prove a point. What point, we aren’t sure. This footage should probably have been censored, though. 

——

“Great sounding maracas! Took me _hours_ to steal them,” ROGER complains. He seems to complain a lot in this film.

No one is listening to him. Nobody cares about his ‘lifting lifestyle.

JOHN walks away, raising his eyebrows at the camera. This is to imply the vibe of “can you believe this shit?” without saying it out loud. _This is Subtext._

In the background, Roger mimes the yeeting of his supposedly ‘great’ maracas.

“I’m doing the audience a favour, getting rid of them. Also, now that they know that I’ll be throwing away your shit, we can stop causing concussions,” FREDDIE says.

BRIAN looks away guiltily. He knows that most of the concussions are due to him excitedly throwing his clogs after their performances of ‘39. That Funky Space Song sure gets him in some kind of mood.

——

**Interlude.**

We see CRYSTAL and JOBBY in the distance. They are making fun of RATTY (as usual). “I wish we’d left him in Illinois,” Jobby sighs. His tears flood a nearby storm drain.

**End interlude.**

——

The backyard is cold. “Stamp to this beat,” BRIAN says, forcing everyone to do his bidding (like always).

John’s hands fall into the snow as he claps, never to be found. The sound of the clapping is deafening.

ROGER steals RATTY’S gloves to prevent his hands from getting too cold. Offscreen, Ratty dies from HYPOTHERMIA.

Freddie’s clapping sounds odd. The camera pans out to reveal that he is actually slapping Brian’s bottom instead of clapping his hands. “It’s a more resonant sound,” he says.

Brian just nods in agreement. He wants _all_ the resonant sounds on his hit song. The matter is never discussed again. 

——

“Is Fred here or not?” JOHN asks. We don’t know why he bothers asking. You’d think he’d know by now that Freddie is always late. This is a Recurring Gag.

“Afraid not,” BRIAN responds. A laugh track plays to underscore the hilarity of this moment. Oh, John.

——

In the studio, FREDDIE is fighting with BRIAN and PAUL “OfficeJet” PRINTER. ROGER cracks open a maraca and begins eating the beans. Beans for the British Bean Boy. Those British boys sure do love their Beans. 

“Rog, would you back me up on this?” Brian suggests, upset. 

Roger flies into action. He spits the beans at Printer.

JOHN begins playing Spread Your Wings.

——

“Freddie, you’re gay,” MARY tells FREDDIE tearfully. We see her applying more saline solution to the corners of her eyes when she thinks the camera is turned away.

“Maree, you misheard me. I didn’t say I was bicurious, I said I was BIKE FURIOUS!” Freddie says passionately, with a lot of passion.

The camera cuts to a shot of a Harley-Davidson crashing through the wall, and when the camera pans back to Freddie, we see him wearing a leather jacket and preparing to ride.

“GET ON YOUR BIKES AND RIDE, BITCH,” he screams, doing wheelies in the living room before leaving her in the dust.

We, the audience, understand that his relationship with Mary has Bitten the Dust™, thus providing more rising action for the plot. It’s a metaphor.

——

“Your hair is green, Rog,” JOHN observes keenly. His eyes are infinite and see all. They see things we all wish he wouldn’t.

“Yes, to celebrate,” ROGER replies, sleeping on an amp.

“What are we celebrating, Roger? Roger, tell us what we are celebrating!” FREDDIE climbs out from inside his piano. A piano-shaped bed for a piano-shaped man.

Roger opens his mouth to answer, but only baked beans and ham sandwiches fall out.

In the corner, BRIAN laughs cloggishly.

——

“Turn on your light so I can see it, Merry,” FREDDIE says, grinning. His smile is too wide.

We see MARY’s light turn on and off. It’s spelling Morse Code. **F-U-C**

The camera abruptly pans over to Freddie. The view is far too close. We can count all of his moustache hairs. There are 5482 of them.

“Drink with me,” Freddie’s moustache says, holding up a champagne flute.

We cut to Marie, holding a big jug labelled XXX in the hand that doesn’t have the phone. She wishes she could forget this scene. The audience does too.

——

FREDDIE is lonely. His house is empty because he refuses to unpack anything except the cats. No one will tell him how gay his moustache looks.

He decides to throw a party. He invites all the circus folks, kinksters, and religious people he can think of. Save Room For Jesus.

He makes sure to slap women’s bottoms as well as BRIAN’s, to show how heterosexual he is. He’s having a Good Time. Superfreak plays in the background. This is a subtle hint that most people at this party are freaked out of their minds on cocaine.  
  


“Dance with me,” Freddie says.

“No thank you,” Brian says. He needs to rest his bottom from all the slapping.

ROGER says no too. JOHN is not nearly drunk enough to tolerate any more of these shenanigans.

“You’re all LAME,” Freddie says. “And to think I was going to let you all be the front of my epic conga line. At least Paul still loves me.”

POLL “Epson WorkForce Pro” PRINTER appears by his side, as if by magic. It probably is. _Dark_ magic.

“Ditch these losers,” he says. “Have some more cocaine. And also strippers.” He sticks out his bottom for Freddie to slap in Party Solidarity, only for Freddie to ignore it.

“Okay,” says Freddie, sadly. Who needs friends when you can have _cocaine?_

——

FREDDIE gets up the morning after his party and proceeds to start his day the worst way possible: SEXUAL HARASSMENT.

He smacks JIM HUTTON’S bottom. “What the fuck was that?” Jim demands.

“Sorry, I thought you were Brian,” Freddie apologizes, but it’s hardly an apology. “You’re cute, though.”

“Are you seriously still coming on to me?” Jim asks, mouth agape. There is nothing but a deep chasm underneath that neat and very gay moustache.

“Depends. Is it working?” Freddie attempts to look seductive. He fails, though, because it doesn’t work when you’re hungover.

“No. Get your head out of your ass, then we’ll talk.” Jim leaves to DO HIS JOB, because he is a HARD-WORKING MAN. He doesn’t have time for this shit while he’s on the clock.

“Okay,” Freddie says to the empty room, like the Dumb Bitch In Love he is.

——

We briefly see the BAND recording the music video for I Want To Break Free. BRIAN is repeatedly slapping JOHN’s bottom. There sure is a lot of bottom slapping in this film. It is not discussed in the trailer or in any reviews, and yet it is beginning to reveal itself as a key theme of the film. Perhaps it will appear in a warning on [ www.commonsensemedia.org ](http://www.commonsensemedia.org). 

——

"I want to make music like what they play in the clubs," FREDDIE says, for he is the Dancing Queen. 

BRIAN balks. "We are a rock and roll band," he says. 

"You are stuck in the old ways," POL “Brother WorkSmart All-In-One” PRINTER says. 

"Shut up and stay out of this." 

Printer sputters. He opens his mouth. MIAMI cries in delight as Printer spits out his completed expense report from the month of October 1981. He had been waiting for that to print all morning. 

"We will write rock music because we are a rock music group," Brian continues, tapping his clog effervescently. 

Freddie sighs. "No," he says. "We will go to the club."

**(Bass drop. Cue club scene)**

——

**Shot: Interior, the Club™**

BRIAN is seen at the bar doing shots. JOHN is on the dance floor. He is lighting candles and drawing in chalk. John is summoning the devil. 

FREDDIE is wandering through a room full of men. The men are gay. He is also gay. Everyone in the club is gay. This is not explicitly stated. The audience is left to determine this themselves. 

JOHN completes a Latin incantation. PALE “Canon PIXMA MX532” PRINTER appears in his pentagram in a flash of smoke. 

At the bar, ROGER is busy eating beans. He can never get enough beans.

Miami is sitting in the corner ~~babysitting~~ supervising. He does not want to be here. “Why am I even here?” he asks rhetorically. He will receive no answer. Neither will the audience.

——

Freddie’s point having been made, the BAND returns to the studio to (presumably) make rock music. 

“Finally we can get back to recording some rock music,” BRIAN presumes. 

“But I want to record music like what they play in the clubs,” FREDDIE argues, because he is the dancing queen. 

“Freddie, Queen is a rock band,” Brian says, once again presuming things.

“Queen is whatever I say it is!” Freddie screams. We see that the force of his voice is peeling all the cheap wallpaper off the studio walls.

“Then what is Queen?” JOHN asks philosophically. “What are we all?”

“Dust in the wind.” BRIAN hits his forehead in realization. ROGER also hits Brian’s forehead. Freddie hits Brian’s bottom.

“Exactly.” Freddie smiles. Sheets of paper fly around like a windstorm. In the corner, MIAMI sighs. He just wanted to get some work done.

John begins playing An Iconic Bassline™.

“That actually sounds pretty cool,” Brian admits, hitting his forehead again. Why does he keep hitting himself? Why does he keep hitting himself? Why does he keep hi

“What’s the piece called?” Roger asks questioningly. He hits Brian’s forehead one last time for good measure.

The bassline is A Subversive Masterpiece. A Deep and Touching Piece of Music. A New York Times Bestseller.

“Go Fuck Yourself,” John says, handing out music sheets.

“We may have to rename that,” Miami points out. Everyone ignores him.

——

**Scene: a PRESS CONFERENCE for the album Hot Space.**

“Are you sick, Freddie?” A NOSY REPORTER asks.

“No. Go away,” FREDDIE says. But they won’t go away. That’s the point of a press conference.

“I have stage 17 tuberculosis,” JOHN adds helpfully. “It’s really quite a nuisance.”

No one cares. This may be a QUEEN press conference, but none of them are important. Only Freddie.

“Are your parents proud of you?” Once again, the question is directed at Freddie, but BRIAN pipes up excitedly.

“My mum is very proud of me. She has a shrine to Queen in her back room. She has a copy of every album… except Hot Space, because it’s a STUPID DISCO album for STUPID DISCO people, _JOHN._ ”

The room goes silent. John is indifferent. He got to release his diss track, so who cares what Brian thinks.

“What are you afraid of, Freddie?” Another REPORTER asks. Freddie does not answer. He is afraid of Many Things.

ROGER is present as well, but nobody acknowledges him.

——

PUAL “Epson EcoTank” PRINTER and FREDDIE are in a moving vehicle. PRINTER is attempting to commit nefarious business dealings. FREDDIE is attempting to commit murder. 

“Good thoughts, good words, good deeds,” Freddie says, throwing JOHN REID out of a moving vehicle. He then snorts nineteen lines of cocaine.

“Freddie, you need to betray the band to start a solo career for four million pounds,” Printer says. 

“Betray my family?” Freddie asks in horror. 

“Yes.”

“Okay.” 

——

“Attention, MY FAMILY,” FREDDIE says. He has gathered the BAND together in his living room. There are approximately 3.29 x 10^5 cats in there. It’s a really spacious living room. “I’ve invited you here so that I can betray you. I will now take questions.” 

BRIAN gasps. “We’re not fam anymore?” 

“No. We are not fam anymore.”

“If I marry your sister are we still fam?” ROGER asks. This question is ignored. 

“Are you leaving the band?” Brian asks. 

“Yes. I am making a solo album for four million pounds. For this reason you are no longer my fam.”

“Four million pounds, perhaps you can buy yourself a family,” JOHN says caustically. He is literally spitting acid. The coffee table dissolves in front of our eyes.

“I should know,” he continues. “I spent £3.5mil on mine. Harrods was having a sale.”

Brian and Roger look on approvingly at his good fiscal knowledge. PAWL “Samsung Xpress Wireless” PRINTER sulks in the corner, because he wrote one too many bad checks and now he is blacklisted from Harrods. He is also blacklisted from Biba, but that has nothing to do with this scene.

“Listen,” Freddie intones loudly. He sounds like a fog horn. The sound blows Brian’s hair back. “I am Queen. Without me, you are nothing. You’re just a dentist, a dude with a spanking kink and a guy named John.” 

“I studied electrical engineering,” John says. The screenwriter (ANTHONY MCCARTEN) could have added this in earlier in that part where they were all talking about their majors but it seems like he maybe forgot. Oh Anthony. He’s working on a thing about John and Yoko now. (That John, not this John). We’ll truly never be released from biopic hell. 

——

**BRIEF MONTAGE:**

FREDDIE is working on his solo album. It sounds like shit. 

“Don’t I sound like shit?” Freddie snaps. The SOUND ENGINEER shrugs. He agrees that it sounds like shit, but he’s not here to make that kind of decision. He’s just here to engineer the sounds, man. 

In the studio, the backing musicians shift uncomfortably. One of them is holding one of those keyboards that kind of looks like an electric guitar. What’s up with those things?

In the back room, PEEL “Brother HL-L2320D Black-and-White Laser” PRINTER is making cocaine snow angels. The phone rings and he picks it up. “The fuck you want.” 

“Peel, it’s Miami,” says MIAMI. “You know, like the beach. I was wondering if you’d gotten my call about Live Aid, or talked to Freddie about Live Aid, or know literally anything at all about Live Aid.” 

“No. Fuck off,” Peel says. He hangs up and continues his snowy task.

——

**Shot: a HOUSE in MUNICH.**

FREDDIE MERCURY is surrounded by lines of cocaine after a party. He needs to get going to meet his daily quota.

MARY AUSTIN shows up. She is pregnant, a fact that is barely relevant to this scene. “Stop doing cocaine,” she says.

“Okay,” Freddie says. “But I won’t get rid of Printer. He loves me.”

“No he doesn’t. Get rid of him too,” Mary says dramatically, walking off in the rain to Prove a Point.

“Okay,” Freddie says. He stands in the rain like a Dumb Bitch after Mary leaves.

Enter POWL “HP LaserJet 450” PRINTER.

“Get lost,” Freddie says. “You made me betray the family.”

“If you get rid of me, I’ll tell everyone about how you poured soup on my lap at Chili’s that one time,” Printer says. “And also that you’re hella gay.”

“Tell who you’d like,” Freddie says, dancing away with ballerinas dressed like banana trees as Under Pressure begins to play. “They can’t frame me for anything, I’m Freddie Fucking Mercury, bitch.”

——

**Interior, MIAMI’S OFFICE.**

No one is there but FREDDIE and MIAMI. The silence is uncomfortable.

“They’re probably running late,” Miami says, bringing the tardiness jokes to their full conclusive arc. A laugh track overpowers the uncomfortable silence. Somehow everything is now 300000% _more_ uncomfortable.

THE BAND arrive. They are wearing PEAK 80s CHIC. BRIAN is dressed like a linebacker. JOHN is dressed in a Canadian Tuxedo. ROGER is dressed like a midlife crisis.

“Would anybody like a bladed weapon?” Miami asks. He is dressed like a beach today. 

Freddie pulls out a handful of 45s and throws them like ninja stars. Roger throws a handful of sausage at him. He’s been saving that sausage since 1975 just for this moment.

“Led Zeppelin. The Who. Elton. Bowie. Beethoven. Barack Obama. The Eggman. Weird Al. Chumbawamba. Discount Elvis impersonators.” 

Brian begins shooting lasers out of his eyes. 

John is Present, but is not saying much.

“Live Aid is coming,” Miami says. He looks at the camera ominously. “It’s coming for us all.”

——

“We’re going to punch a hole in the roof of the stadium,” FREDDIE says, alluding to his life-long love of public vandalism.

“Actually, Wembley doesn’t have a roof,” JOHN says, crying. He can’t stop crying. He is flooding the rehearsal space. Damnit, man. Pull yourself together, you know you should do better.

Freddie ignores the tears. “Then we’ll punch a hole in the SKY,” he declares. All of QUEEN laughs sadly with him. BRIAN wipes his tears with a jelly sandal. ROGER blows his nose with his bad wig.

No one criticizes Freddie‘s plan to destroy the ozone layer. Except MIAMI. “Ok boomer,” Miami says, but he is ignored.

——

“Do you know how many Jim Huttons there are in London?” FREDDIE exclaims.

We do know. We have spent a full two extra hours of film time as Freddie has called them all. There are 572 of them. They are all backing up Freddie like one big Jim army.

“I didn’t want to make it too easy for you,” JIM PRIME says. His laughter is hollow and the other Jims laugh with him.

Freddie invites them all for tea. We see the BULSARA HOUSE, all rooms crammed full by Jim Huttons drinking tea like a big tea-drinking clown car.

“Who is this?” BOMI BULSARA asks. 

Freddie points to JIM PRIME. “A friend,” he says. He then points to all the other Jims in turn. “And a friend and a friend and a friend and a friend and a friend and a friend and a friend and a friend—“ 

“It is good to have friends,” JER BULSARA comments sagely.

The score plays “You’ll Never Walk Alone” for this scene. We briefly wonder why they chose to play Gerry & the Pacemakers. They are not relevant to Queen in any way.

Yet again we wonder whether this movie is even about rock supergroup Queen at all. We will not receive any answer on this topic.

All the Jims agree to go to Live Aid with Freddie. Wembley Stadium’s entire audience is Jim.

——

A triumphant comeback: QUEEN plays Live Aid. We see MIAMI turn up the volume to 11 when no one is paying attention so he can hear U2 better. He likes to flaunt the rules. He can’t be stopped.

He then turns it down for LED ZEPPELIN. Trust us, it needed to be done. Miami is looking out for everyone’s best interests.

**Jump cut:** BOB GELDOF is drowning in money. Donations are literally pouring out of the phones. He and all the volunteers are suffocating. A successful fundraiser. Rip to the Boomtown Rats.

**Cut back to LIVE AID:** All the Jims are in the wings, along with MARY and SOME GUY. We don’t know how they all fit in the wings, nor how they somehow all got backstage clearance. 574 people is a bit of a tricky situation.

“Tonight, I’m gonna have myself a real good time,” FREDDIE sings, but his voice echoes too loudly. This is because he is deaf now.

Cut to Miami winking cheekily from the sound booth. He turned the volume back up, that sneaky bastard.

**Fade to black. Roll credits.**


End file.
